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The author: Patrick Pavlovsky

 

STOPPER

 

Red colour - when in a shower burns all-consuming fire

 

There was an intolerable heat. The sun ruthlessly got into all corners of stone jungle, forcing townspeople to remain houses. Even in the evening the city reminded a suffocating, concrete bag and getting to it lost forces so quickly as it only could occur to a human body. And having added to all occurring summer nightmare an infinite stream of cars, thousand people hastening every which way and absence of fresh air the vital medley for young romanticists – a modern megacity turned out. In addition to everything, the city worried the phenomenon under the name "white nights", and it meant, the city was in a sleeplessness condition. It has flooded itself(himself) with foreign tourists, thirst of entertainments and infinite automobile stoppers.
Street.
Traffic light.
Red light.
Its expensive, brilliant car has sunk in a stream of motor stuff.
- As I have got tired. – little bit hoarse voice, she has said words to herself. The similar phrase could be heard from any car which have got stuck as in this infernal metal foul place. All people get tired, when in the street intolerable heat, the end of the working day and all wish to get home faster. But the woman from the beautiful expensive car did not hasten home, it did not have a work, and she has not been tired by a heat.
- As I have got tired, tired, have got tired. - nerves were on a limit, but not because of an automobile stopper, and because of own life. Flashed red light not only has stopped its car, it has got directly into soul, he has forced to regain consciousness a dozing dissatisfaction and has woken a volcano. It was carried by by ashes of feelings on all lived life, a life which from the party looked ideal, and it has appeared boundless desert. All with what it was awarded with destiny, any more had no sense. The woman of fashion of average years identified itself only with the past.
- I the former beauty, the former beloved, the former girlfriend and so I can list indefinitely, too much "were" in my life. The city scorching heat has reached it and, having felt weariness of own body, it began to be irritated even more, and here still any singer too emotionally sang about a heat. It was too. Nervously having knocked on a stereo, it has forced to disappear to heat, the singer and own wild irritation. It was necessary to switch urgently the attention to something another, differently пеплы the past again would strike in the person. The tired woman has slightly opened the window and is indifferent has taken a view nearby of standing cars.
- Anything interesting. - indifference to the world to it was not to occupy.
It has appeared not unique who observed the closed space of roads. The young man sitting nearby in the car, also was angry an infinite stopper, a heat and to it, as well as everything, it was necessary to kill time pending. The black brilliant car which has got stuck nearby, has drawn its attention first of all.
- The smart wheelbarrow, interestingly, how many the such costs? – "Interest" has been pending found.
Even more its curiosity has increased, when тонированное glass has fallen and there was the female hand topped with beautiful east bracelet with black stones.
- М-м, and at the wheel also the magnificent woman! - now, the owner авто has drawn its attention more than expensive iron. - the stream of cars began to move gradually forward and the man has tried not to lag behind the owner who have interested it black авто. The acute sight could not remain not noticed. It, as if easy whiff of a wind, has touched its skin, hair, has forced to shudder and feel slightly another's presence at the life.
- Why he so looks at me? - It was not pleasant at once to the woman. - That he wishes to see in person my grown old and exhausted with a life? - If it was possible, it would jerk from a place and has disappeared in uncertainty of week evening. But the car has been clamped in a vice from different directions, red light of a traffic light was not going to concede, and to it does not remain anything else as soon as back to lift dark glass of the car.
- It that, considers my wrinkles? Silly, what from me it is necessary to it? - The Woman has been psychologically exhausted, it reacted to any sign on attention, as a bull on a red rag. It is better to include again a stereo and to listen to all that nonsense that radio stations twisted, repeating one and too one thousand times on day.
- My God, what I the silly woman. - the woman has suddenly burst out laughing. - he looked not at me, he looked on I wash the car, on mine дорогущую the car.
And there were times when all was differently: a youth, beautiful appearance with which admired also all world, ready to fall to feet. - it is final, it deformed the truth of the life, but during those half-forgotten times indeed all turned near its persons.
- Marry me! - Being nervous, a shivering voice the young man has said.
- In marriage? What will I do married? - Not perceiving seriously the offer, having burst out laughing, the young beauty has answered it.
- How that? All the same, as all the others.
The girl did not see itself in a role of the wife. Twenty years too not mature age to create a family, especially it had an enormous choice in all aspects of a human life: the admirers replacing each other, still couple of years and it the diplomaed lawyer, very strongly excited her own career, and the most important thing, unlimited freedom. She did not wish to endow to it for the sake of the person whom even precisely did not know, whether loves really. And when she has told to it. - is not present. - has changed Nothing. The young man has appeared too rested, it slowly, but confidently went to the purpose and is equal in a year the girl has agreed to become his wife. Since then has passed almost thirty years. The woman sat in the car which was presented to it by her husband, the very young guy so ardently wishing that it was it, and it was near to it all these years, but any more in its heart is no time.
- It is surprising, that can make time with people. - by radio the song about a heat again sounded, but it any more did not irritate the woman. It managed to plunge into the thoughts and easy to touch the lived years. - and there can be it not time, and ourselves are guilty what with us happens?
Her life developed, as thousand others, on standard and накатанному to the scenario and not the once did not arise thoughts, whether correctly disappears year after year.
The birth of the child was happiness when she has learnt that is pregnant. The young woman for a minute did not doubt, that wants this miracle.
- Ours with you the child will be born in January. - she declared to the young husband one evening. Evening which was such happy, it personified a cosiness and stability. Evening where were only it and it, their small flat and the cloudless future which they were going to build together. There has then come time when the life became more banal. Dreams of the light future have disappeared, and there have come days of the present. They on the sly tightened both spouses in routine of a perspective life where it was necessary to raise children, to build the house, to earn money and ever less already to think about each other. So there have come years which it has stamped as the light future. And it is imperceptible for itself, the woman has realised, that all already in the past. And in this past it has appeared absolutely one.
- It is unfair, we built the future together, the present reflected both of us, and in the past I am absolutely lonely. - it could not accept the similar truth, all event could not be the life ending.
It was made sober by a signal behind the standing car, there in the distance, the traffic light has changed to the red colour. It has got under way from a place and has noticed, that the car standing near to it does not wish to lag behind. The man sitting at the wheel obviously did not wish to disappear in an evening stream of cars.
- What from me it is necessary to it? - It any more for the first time asked herself this question, but it while remained without the answer.
Movement of cars has regained consciousness not on long, and soon flashed red light has stopped all again. The car has got stuck for a long time. - she Has thought. - as well as my thoughts in the lived life. Once she has looked in a window from own house at an evening city and has understood, that the adult life has extremely dispersed from dreams of a youth: freedom disappeared, career has not taken place.
- But anything terrible, after all I became mother favourite by the wife, not each woman can brag of it, and I in a condition. Means, dreams of a youth appear неосознанно, a conclusion, they have no anything the general with representations of a life adult. - then, she tried not to think of the missed possibilities of a youth, after all and so the destiny has awarded it wholly. Therefore, when it has closed a window, doubts concerning not taken place trade and the lost representations about freedom have disappeared, after all it the husband should have all.
- I will provide back and always to stand with children, somewhere in a shade that you knew for the sake of what you live. - Having smiled, she has answered the husband when that doubted, whether it is necessary to begin new business, to embody in a reality the dream.
By then at them was already two children. The boy and the girl - children grew clever, and special problems did not deliver.
- I cannot ache, after all everyone has such children as I. - a life part belonged to the husband, a part to children. She did not consider as their egoists, simply she has created similar philosophy in their family. To endow own interests that interests of the native were embodied in a reality. And it was its happiness, it was her life. But time inevitably changed everything, it is not very well good to you or it is bad, time will change all. Also it is All"has come. My children have grown, they still require me, they nearby and one removal of a telephone tube I will hear their voices, but they live the life, the problems and me takes already away a role of the second plan. At it to take offence not probably, it is natural and fair.
- Interestingly, and what we with the husband became each other strangers, too is natural? - Feet have become numb, is mad ломила a back, but to disappear there was no place. It continued to sit in the car and to think.
- Then, having closed a window, I have forgotten about aspirations of a youth. - but memory in the bowels, has kept the thoughts born at an open window, and now, during the next moment of a despair, thoughts again revived. - it is interesting, that I now spoke to myself if all the same became the lawyer? Probably, the same, I would come to the same ending, having only one additional negation of the today's sincere emptiness.
It was frightened by a mobile phone call. Without special interest it has lifted a tube and has heard a voice of the husband.
- You soon will at home?
- I think, no, I have got stuck in a stopper, and then as I will be pulled out from this hell, I would like to sit somewhere in cafe.
- Perfectly, then I the same descend to have a rest in the club.
Only some words in day, no more that, words for a week, month and last years. In a tube hooters have gone, she has thrown phone on the next armchair, without the special reason, own husband irritated. The indifference condition has pushed out love from heart and has lodged there... A habit, to it was all the same, where it who with it and than he is engaged.
- Probably, the truth is said by people, that the love cannot be eternal. Lovers get tired from each other, feelings become boring also already long-awaited smile becomes indifferent. - it never was the tyrant and was not the hypocrite, it was grateful to the woman, but to love it it already could not any more. Is a feeling was present at its sight, in its behaviour and conversations.
- I go by expensive car, I live in the huge house, but have absolutely grown poor in respect of the dialogue, rich нищенка.
For a long time extinct eyes were filled with tears and have reflected all that chasm of feelings that the woman worried during this moment. It has inclined a head over a wheel, and tears began it to drip on hands. To steam of teardrops have got directly on a wedding ring, she has suddenly recollected the wedding, its kiss and embraces. Then it seemed to it, that so it will be eternal, but she was mistaken. So eternally does not happen never and with anybody, the life varies, we want it or not, all is around subject to changes: leaves fall down what to make way for a life new, snow conceals what to turn to the rivers, people cease to love each other, what... - And for what people cease to love each other? - She yet did not understand, and whether probably to understand, why people cease to love each other, everyone can give the answer to the brought attention to the question, and each answer will be true and simultaneously it is possible to count each of them as erroneous lie. The love is many-sided, and only the little probably to learn all its sides and shades.
- I not such strong, I not in forces to rush to a whirlpool with a head. – It is angry, she repeated. - I not in forces to search for a problem of all event in myself, I am too tired to untangle all ball of a life and to search for the ends of the troubles. I have got tired, tired, have got tired...


Yellow colour - When in a shower emptiness and uncertainty

 

Emptiness has shipped it in private world, uncertainty has absorbed its reason. For an instant, it seemed to it, that she goes mad, through pair minutes, it has damned an automobile stopper to which has got also which has led to its similar condition. In five minutes the woman has again calmed down, at last red light has disappeared and this time, she has already seen the yellow.
- Means I will soon break, means, I will soon press brakes and a wind again will strike to me in the person. My car will destroy space and thoughts which tear me to pieces, they will lose the force. And what then? - Lifted from depth of consciousness a cobble-stone, not so probably to throw back, now it will constantly press on wounds, and they and will bleed again again.
For the life this woman has learnt to win fear. She has learnt not to be afraid of men who turned round it all life, she has learnt not to be afraid of poverty and by that her husband grew rich every year. It has not trembled, when the youth has on the sly started to conceal and in a mirror at it already looked got tired and a few faded face, she even tried not to be afraid of loneliness.
- Why all people so to be afraid of loneliness?
- Because the loneliness it is awful. - with genuine fear the best girlfriend who was ready to suffer the husband of the tyrant if only that only has not thrown her answered it.
- My God, as in the same way sounds. The loneliness it is bad, is not written anywhere, that it so, not the common truth, заевшая in human consciousness, frightens, both men, and women. All are afraid to be lonely but very few people thinks of that it is possible to remain lonely among the people favourite by you.
- Probably..., in it there is a sense. - its girlfriend though at heart, she is not agreed has shy uttered. But, having lived all the conscious life with the person who has got used to dictate the will, it has lost possibility brightly to express and defend own point of view.
And consequently in told there was a sense. After all the sense is in all that us surrounds, in each insignificant trifle which filters into our soul and reason. During this moment for the woman, with it is unique style and internal force, the traffic light with its multi-coloured blinking has appeared such sense. Thoughts hailstones beat heart, and there was a desire to fill the world sensual emptiness.
- You can generate new ideas and a new reality, find forces on a fatal step and force itself to fall in love again with a life of that you are afraid? - The voice of the man sounded beggarly.
- It is terrible to me to feel happy near to you and to understand, that I can hurt the family who from them does not deserve it. - the woman of average years stood in the middle of autumn park. It rolled in gold of the clothes, it bore a pacification and simultaneously, clearing up passion. Near to it there was a man whom she has met once in this park. She liked to walk there, peacefully having plunged in private world, he liked to do the same. And once, having faced sights, he any more has not wanted to take away the eyes, and it, it simply not could. So, once in her life there was a person who has tried to present one, ten, one hundred happy instants, but the woman from autumn park has rejected love. She has recollected the world into which the casual man has rushed, and there to it there was no place, there, the husband worked for the family blessing, there children studied at universities and tried to arrange own private life, there, still there were so much not resolved problems, that the place for love any more was not.
- Forgive me, but the life of my family is the most important than the rest.
- To forgive you? - The man with a grey hair on temples has smiled. – you have nothing to ask from me a pardon, instants presented by you are invaluable. - it has pressed it to itself(himself) so strongly, that she has felt heat of its body. During this instant he lived only for it one.
- Probably, it was the unique moment of my life when someone has been absorbed by me. - Now sitting in the car, among ocean of indifference of a huge city, she understood it as never. - the Man who so strongly loved me, the same remained in the past, one more shot which has fallen asleep in a shower for ever.
She has recollected, how the wind has lifted yellow leaves as it began to pull out its hair as the man with a thin, sensual sight last time has kissed on the mouth in the sky and has for ever disappeared from her life.
- If it was possible to return, scroll all a film back, to make not possible possible.
The city, absorbing a dust, was released from a solar captivity, and it, gently disappeared behind horizon, carrying away with itself all unrealizable. The heat slept, on radio the slow melody at last has begun to sound, there the singer a languid and pure voice sang about unfortunate love.
- All people live the same way, the same tests though all and is dressed in different styles and clothes. – the woman in road, has smiled to the brilliant car and has looked in lateral glass where still there was already remembered car of the stranger. – my life is filled by pleasure and if to me it was necessary still though time to go through all anew I would make the same choice. – she has once again smiled to herself. - I am happy, and all the rest simply heat, intolerable summer heat.


Green colour - when the soul searches for the harmony intended to it

Street.
Traffic light.
Green light.
Its car has smoothly got under way from a place, there from depth of salon pleasant music reached. Black colour of the car reflected houses and people, авто silently changed one street for another, leaving behind the past.
The woman has got rid of the weariness and irritation, she has wanted to bury today behind a glass of expensively wine. - after all I can allow myself it. - she has considered, that now does not own than and whom, but, during this moment, its world it began to be filled with harmony.
- The true happiness to be happy every minute.
The car has smoothly curtailed on street where there was a set of cafe, there, in an evening cool, other life began. Small trees sparkled the decorated sparks, small фонтанчик the waters, the small glass of sparkling wine pleasantly murmured, will necessarily warm soul. It has sat down in the centre of a hall, the little table has been for two occupied on pair with own loneliness. The woman has made pair of drinks, has lighted, and the thin stream of a smoke has beckoned its sight behind itself. Air streams have informed pleasant man's "perfume" and she has seen the stranger, it went to its party. The woman has absolutely forgotten about the man who has got stuck together with it in a stopper and which pursued its penetrating sight. The young man has approached to a little table and has asked to sit down. Probably, to the woman who has lived long, happy home life followed give up, but the feeling of loneliness has left it at once, when the stranger has ordered on a wine glass.
- Whether probably to live an instant? - She has asked the stranger.
- Yes, when you feel, that every day your life is invaluable. - he has answered it.

The past, present, future - all is uniform. Now she understood this true, as never. The woman has suddenly felt, that to it not fifty, years have receded, having forced to forget about all problems. It has come to be in that world when itself still was to a floor the child and a smile of the stranger who ostensibly has casually sat down to it, have forced to feel live again.
 

 

14.05.06