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The author: Julia Rudakov

 

LIFE FOR FIVE MINUTES

 

With densely compressed lips left the bus. Minting a step as the soldier on an indicative march before the high heads, has quickly gone, having hung a head, looking to itself under feet. It - the high, nice, young woman with an extinct sight. The mood left much to be desired...

 

Strange, foolish thoughts visited last time even more often, they became persuasive. Today she has told to herself: "Everything, will suffice, it is time!" Has come into the nearest "Russian shop", has bought a vodka bottle, not long choosing. "What difference than to be poisoned?" Has thought and took first. Precisely same ceremonial step has risen on the fourth floor, has opened a door. Because of a door пахнуло a cold and dampness, rains-rains-rains... "The daughter has brought on a vacation to the daddy though full will be, there all in a prosperity and will indulge if that. He though and not native, but adores the daughter". All is thought over to trifles, Time and again all weighed, "that the world will lose without it? Yes anything!!!" So it is possible to start. Has closed all doors and windows, has glanced in a refrigerator, having thought of snack, somehow reflex, has slammed empty "electric шкаБчик" a week the disconnected. Has included gas., has poured a vodka glass... Has drunk. On a body weakness has spread, the cold kitchen was filled with heat so it was not good here for a long time already, we did not presume it, only a heater included in a bedroom on pair hours, dressed more одежек in the afternoon and drank hot tea.

 

Has got tired! This weariness was not physical, but moral. The life was at a deadlock and to search for an exit should forces desire. Burn it all a dark blue flame, it is direct, as gas from all rings now burns!

 

The head has started to be turned, still - on a hungry stomach, yes with непривычки to suppress glasses the vodka, not everyone will sustain. It sat on empty kitchen, adding itself in a glass a transparent, smelly liquid and thought about all on light. Here, for example, who as will react about news about her death? Someone will lament, and to blame itself(himself) in everything, someone will tell simply "the silly woman!", friends to recollect there will be no time cheerful young woman capable to lift people on fight or at least to organise the excursion, burning the optimism, giving love and kindness... The Most interesting, that nobody will miss it in a day, the daughter can begin to worry only, that mum does not answer calls. Native and friends have got used for a long time, that she can be silent till some days. And here, on new apartment somehow with anybody has not become friends, only "здрасти" and "good-bye", yes extremely seldom the neigbour from above will glance and will ask "something you so silently where were gone?" . Can only after days off when will not arrive, will start to call to search to worry...
 
In a coffin will look it not so beautiful, but it is it will not touch any more. There has passed someone's simple modest, full of problems and alarms a life, only the owner will worry, that again during time have not paid money for apartment.

It could not fight more a head in a wall, try to adjust relations with the husband, to reconcile, but it has rested a horn against the earth. Has taken of a convenient position, having combined all responsibility on its female shoulders. Float, you do not want - sink. Here it also sinks in this bog, and around emptiness and darkness... In a breast heart without restraint beats, trying to be rescued, jump out of a breast. It becomes difficult to breathe, has tried to open eyes...

The head was ill, but eyes has slightly opened. The bus has sharply braked also it has not hit nearly about a window, растягнула a jacket, растеребила a scarf hardly wound round a neck, behind a window it was drizzling. "It is necessary, only for five minutes has dozed off, and has had time to see enough nightmares as though all life was carried by before eyes".
- And, here and a stop! In time has shaken, could pass, never slept earlier... - has told to itself.

Left, has first of all got phone and has called a daughter: "As you there? Everything is all right? Just from work, run in shop, and then home. It is necessary to take papers and to run in the absorption ministry. Well, everything, so long! we will phone in the Evening! Certainly, everything is all right!." Also has grinned, having recollected, the foolish dream.

 

 

28.05.05